Putting the Spark Back in Your Marriage

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Even the least ambitious have their hopes and dreams. They long for a career, a busy social life, or a big house in the country. But of all these ambitions, a long and happy relationship is perhaps the most common. Unfortunately, even in the best relationship, the spark can sometimes disappear. Here are ways to get that spark back in your marriage.

Modern Marriage

It hardly needs pointing out that relationships are hard. For a start, we are living longer. Sharing a house or apartment (not to mention a toilet and a bed) with the same person is tough. But doing it for 40 or 50 years is tougher still.

And it isn’t just the length of time; people today age differently. Compared to their grandparents, they are so much better informed about health and longevity. With a few taps on their iPhone, they can access limitless advice on retaining looks, energy, and libido. A 70-year-old in 1950 was an old woman, long past sex and romance; today, that simply isn’t true.

And the statistics bear this out. In recent years, the divorce rate in much of the developed world has stabilized and even declined, with one exception: the over 60’s. Among this group, the divorce rate has shot up. Indeed, so common is late-life divorce that such people have been nicknamed the “silver splitters.”

Unrealistic expectations are another problem. Until very recently, marriage was looked upon as a duty. Indeed, it was an institution, a ritual designed to secure property and raise children. Happiness was not the goal. On the contrary, both were content so long as the marriage could be maintained and the inheritance preserved. Women, of course, had the worst of things. Men would often seek sexual and romantic fulfillment elsewhere, like with prostitutes or mistresses. For a woman, this was harder, and infidelity often led to social disgrace.

Today, we want everything from our life partner. We want them to be sexy and reliable, sensitive and protective, nurturing, and exciting. Marriage is still an institution, and it still exists to protect property and wealth. But on top of that, it is a place in which we demand love, care, romance, and sex.

To make things trickier still, we now have the temptations of online dating. One partner can chat, flirt, and even arrange sexual hookups while sitting in front of the TV with their partner. And all this while living longer and longer. No wonder some predict the death of monogamy!

High Expectations

Relationships (The School of Life Library)

Begin, then, by acknowledging these facts. Alain de Botton, the British philosopher, blames the Romantic movement for our troubles. In his opinion, Romanticism (a philosophical and artistic movement that dominated England, France, and Germany in the early 19th century) has left us with absurd expectations.

The Romantics, as the word suggests, were profoundly impractical. For them, what counted was emotion. The more intensely and madly you loved someone, the better. Indeed, there was something beautiful about self-destructive pain. To a Romantic, nothing was more impressive than sacrificing yourself for love. And this attitude, though it originated in 18th century England and France, now dominates the world. It can be seen in Hollywood movies, and even in Chinese and Japanese TV dramas.

According to De Botton, however, Romanticism has been a curse. He recommends a different approach, one that seems at first glance rather unromantic. But, he adds, if you are honest and realistic, you are far more likely to be happy. He even states, perhaps jokingly, that we need a new set of marriage vows: we ought to state aloud, right from the start, our commitment not to idealize one another, to accept that we are both imperfect (and even mad), to recognize that we will never understand one another, and so on.

More importantly, De Botton stresses that marriage is hard work. And work is the keyword. People assume that a marriage either functions or does not. In fact, the vast majority of marriages, including the successful, have to be constantly repaired and updated.

Relighting the Spark

Though you may struggle to recapture the passion of those first few weeks, you can spark things back into life. Of course, this is assuming that your marriage has just gone a little flat and stale. If you are having serious problems, to the point where you cannot bear to be in the same room, you need more than a fresh spark.

First, try and create a healthy distance. Have you noticed how attractive your partner seems when they talk to someone at the other end of a crowded room? Or how pleased, even excited you are, when they return from a business trip or a long stay with their parents? Some couples live in one another’s pockets: they go to bed at the same time, go shopping together, leave a party at the same time, and so on.

A little space needn’t mean the marriage is faltering. Again, this idea stems from Romanticism. Many assume that you either crave one another, like Cathy and Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights or that things are falling apart. In fact, distance is healthy. Try using separate bathrooms, going shopping alone, etc. You might even consider separate beds. When you do sleep together, how much more exciting and tender it will be!

Another common mistake is taking your partner for granted. It is astonishing how much effort people invest in neighbors, friends, and work colleagues compared to their marriage. Indeed, many will go out of their way to please and placate an obnoxious work colleague, and yet when they arrive home, they simply grunt at their wife and collapse onto the sofa. Just make a bit more effort: wear make up, put on decent clothes, smile, listen when they talk about the novel they’re reading, and so on.

Listening is especially important. Remember, listening means just that. It does not mean patiently waiting for them to stop talking. In good, strong marriages, the couple is interested in one another. If you go and see a movie, really listen to your partner’s opinions. Don’t interrupt, don’t feel you need to impress them, just allow them to speak.

Selfless interest is vital. Oscar Wilde once remarked that anyone can sympathize with a friend in distress, but it takes a great soul to empathize with success. Try stepping back and allowing them to have their own interests and hobbies. And when they come home from yoga or Spanish lessons, enjoy their excitement. Allow them to try out a few Spanish phrases on you. It doesn’t matter if you are interested in the language itself; take pleasure in their happiness.

Then, of course, there is sex. Long-term relationships can be toxic to your sex life. To put it crudely, bad breath, toilet smells, the sight of one another all day every day (often at your worst, often in scruffy, ugly clothes), etc., isn’t sexy.

Most couples go through dry spells, in which they are too tired, or stressed, or, frankly, bored to have much sex. Others simply get into a bad routine. Again, this comes back to Romanticism. We assume that sex should be spontaneous, that it should be driven by overwhelming desire and passion. In other words, that it should be as it was in those first few weeks. But you can plan for sex. You can set aside time for it.

Most importantly, it needn’t be all clothes ripping and shattering orgasms. As you age, sex changes. Don’t be upset about this. Handled sensibly, your sex life can not only continue but improve. Remember, sex involves more than penetration. Quality matters more than quantity. And this will be improved by patience, time, and communication. It will also be improved in small ways: holding hands, hugging, etc.

There is no golden secret. Putting the spark back in your marriage demands time, effort, patience, and hard work. But have faith; it can be done.