Some believe an argument spices up a relationship; that it proves the passion is still there. Of course, for them that may be true. Indeed, there is no universal rule – what works for one couple may not for a second. In general, however, while it is healthy to air your grievances, constant rowing will eat away at your relationship. Here is how to avoid arguments in your relationship.
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Throwing Gasoline on the Fire
Most couples bicker. And most people find their partner offensive or irritating from time to time. Unfortunately, some couples turn every petty dispute into a full-blown screaming match.
First, you need to understand your partner. Most people have a trigger, a sore spot, a button you should never press. Some cannot bear to be patronized, for example, while others hate to be laughed at or ignored. The first step is to recognize these triggers and avoid them. Of course, some people do the exact opposite, deliberately pressing the button every chance they get. If that is you, your relationship may have grown toxic.
Often, people try to calm their loved one down only to find it has the opposite effect, enraging them all the more. A good example is telling your partner not to overreact. Consider for a moment how patronizing this seems – and how controlling. You are effectively telling them how to behave and what to feel. Worse still, you have implied they lack self-control!
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Another common mistake is to bring up past grudges, especially when they have nothing to do with the present discussion. So, for example, you are angry that your husband does not want to come to your brother’s birthday party. He is tired, he explains, and wants to watch the game. In any case, he adds, no one will miss him. Soon, you are dredging up every nasty comment he ever made about your family, right back to the day you first brought him home.
The key is to stay focused. In other words, don’t make things personal. You are arguing about where to go on vacation, for example. He loves lounging on the beach and has his heart set on Greece. You, however, prefer city breaks and want to go to London or Paris. The issue at stake is where you go on vacation, so don’t widen it to a demolition of his entire personality, accusing him of selfishness, stubborness and pig-headedness.
Respect
Remember, a disagreement isn’t a battle. Some people treat almost every dispute, no matter how trivial, as an outright war. They have been challenged and must win. But what will be the cost of such a victory? Is it really worth it?
You have probably noticed people doing this at work or at a party. For example, they mention the band Radiohead, or the novels of Jane Austen, and then declare that they are overrated. They are daring others to disagree. Anyone who does, no matter how gently, is then bullied and brow-beaten until they change their mind.
You have a right to your opinion, and you have a right to disagree, but there are ways of going about this: you can disagree without raising your voice, swearing, or rolling your eyes. Don’t be weak and passive (always giving in and never standing your ground can in itself be infuriating), but don’t be confrontational either. Just say your piece in a calm, sensible manner. And always be reasonable.
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Understanding and Protection
When you disagree, try to retain empathy and understanding, even when they are driving you mad. Instead of waiting for them to finish speaking, or simply interrupting, make sure you listen. Is there something else going on? Why is this so important to them? To continue the example above, maybe the boyfriend dislikes his girlfriend’s brother because he makes him feel bad about his low-paid job. Or maybe he is shy and uncomfortable around her noisy, boisterous family.
Tune in to the emotion behind the words. If the anger or tears seem excessive, maybe something else is bothering and upsetting them. Be careful not to patronize them, however. If your girlfriend is furious that you haven’t cleared the kitchen or got your daughter ready for school, don’t smile and ask her if it’s “that time of the month”!
This isn’t a parking row with some obnoxious neighbor. This is the person you love. And loving someone means shielding them from pain. If they are shouting at you, it is probably upsetting them as well. Maybe they feel frightened or lonely. Often, when someone is scared, that fear manifests as rage.
Always remember two things. First, it is perfectly normal to disagree and quarrel. Second, there is a difference between a discussion and a row. Many people veer between two extremes. For months they allow annoyances to build, biting their tongue and desperately avoiding a confrontation. Then, when they can repress it no longer, they explode, and a full-scale row begins. The key is not to avoid disputes but to conduct them in a calm and civilized manner.