Do you ever feel like people just don’t listen? You’re not alone. Listening – and making sure the other person knows you’ve listened – is a neglected skill. Being a better listener is the first step to forming better relationships. Whether you’re a parent talking to a teenager, a boss giving a performance review or a friend trying to support someone bereaved, the ability to listen can make that situation easier, smoother and more productive.
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The first thing you need to do is to assess expectations. What is this conversation about? What do you want to get out of it? What do you think the other person wants? Might they be expecting something else instead? Imagine that you’re a parent talking to your teenage daughter. You want to tell her not to put herself in a potentially dangerous situation. You want her to see your point of view, but you think that she won’t understand that there’s a problem unless you explain. However, she might be expecting that you’re going to tell her off or restrict her freedom without a good reason. If you don’t think about these expectations, it’s likely that your daughter will hear what you say but will be convinced that you didn’t listen.
Be open about your expectations
The best way to do this is to open the conversation with “Can we talk about…” or “We need to talk about…”. This makes it clear what you’re expecting from the conversation but also gives the other person a chance to respond. So a parent might say, “Can we talk about how you’re getting home tonight?” and a child might respond with, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” It’s important that this doesn’t mean the end of the conversation: the parent still has an expectation that they’ll talk about being safe, but now realizes that the child is expecting a conversation about how parents worry unduly. Addressing that expectation will help their daughter feel listened to (and decrease the likelihood of conflict).
Use the other person’s words
Therapists will often say things like “I hear you saying that…” and then repeat word-for-word what their client said. This is a great way to let someone know you’re listening, but it can feel artificial in ordinary conversation. Instead, use what the other person says as a basis for a question. So if your friend says they feel lonely, you might ask, “Do you feel lonely all the time?” Or a parent whose child tells them not to worry so much might ask, “Why do you think I’m worried?”
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Give emotional feedback
Letting the other person know that they have affected you in some way is an excellent way of showing that you’ve listened. So a boss might ask an employee about their strengths and then, instead of moving straight on to another question, might say, “I’m really impressed.” But make sure that you’re talking about how you feel; don’t tell the other person how they’re feeling. That’s guaranteed to make them feel you’re not listening. So don’t say, “I can see that you’re sad right now.” It’s much more useful to say, “I feel like maybe you’re sad,” or “Are you feeling sad?”
Pay attention to the non-verbal parts of the conversation
If you have your body turned away from the other person, if you have your arms and legs crossed like a barrier in front of you, if you hardly ever make eye contact, then the other person will feel that you’re not listening. Of course, there are some situations that call for different body language: sitting side by side with a friend is a good way to let them know that you’re there for them, but they don’t need to talk. (If they do start to talk, turn towards them a little.) If you’ve got to fill in forms while talking to your employee, then you’ll probably need a table between you. That doesn’t automatically create a barrier to effective listening, but you’ll need to make extra sure you’re not giving any other negative non-verbal messages.
Recognize when the conversation is over
Watch for non-verbal cues from the other person, such as turning or looking away. Sometimes difficult conversations have to take place which make both people feel uncomfortable, but in most cases trying to carry on a conversation past an obvious end point will result in neither person listening to the other. Finish the conversation by going back to the expectations and summarizing what’s been said. So a parent might say, “I know you think I worry too much, but I want to know you’re safe, so you promise you’ll get a lift home from your cousin?” Or you might say to your friend, “I know I can’t make everything better right now, but next time you’re feeling lonely I’d like you to give me a call.”
If you can be a better listener, then you can improve all your relationships. Don’t go into a conversation without considering your expectations and remembering that the other person’s expectations may be different. Be clear about what you want and let them do the same. Use what they say as a basis for questions and pay attention to the way that they say it. Finally, don’t try and keep a conversation going just to make your point: if you do, you may think you’ve heard the other person, but they’ll definitely feel that you’ve not listened.